September 25, 2008
I know it's been ages since I've posted anything. But it's not really my site, so the guilt I feel is only a fraction of the guilt Leah and David should feel everyday they don't post anything, so I don't feel too terrible about it.
I've seen quite a few movies over the summer and have enjoyed the majority of them. Some of them were even quite good. I'm not going to mention any of them right now. Instead, I have a suggestion for the next time in the near-ish future when you're wanting to marvel at things that are so horrible but you can't quite turn away from the screen. Because they have been immortalized on celluloid (or 1s and 0s in the case of DVDs), you can be in horrified awe of them over and over again. Did I mention that neither of them are actual horror films?
There are two films I'd recommend: Bangkok Dangerous and Babylon A.D. Now I want it made clear that if you take my advice and watch these, your life will not be enriched in any meaningful way. It will likely not be a pleasant experience, unless of course you like shaking your head a lot and throwing popcorn at your television set in exasperation.
Bangkok Dangerous features Nicolas Cage as an assassin. It's a rather boring film and I knew about 20 minutes into it that his character was going to die. The film, and more specifically his character is so uninteresting that I didn't care. Much more importantly, for the sake of your evening at home, though, is the fact that the film stars Nicolas Cage's hair. Yes, you read that correctly. His hair. I strongly recommend that his hair go out and get its own agent and seek roles independent of Nicolas Cage as I think it would be a success. If you think I kid, on another evening (don't strain yourself by watching them all in one sitting), rent either of the National Treasure films (I'm tempted to say the second, National Treasure: Book of Secrets as it also stars the fabulous Helen Mirren, but then you might spend the film wondering why the hell someone so fabulous and fantastic as Helen Mirren is playing third fiddle to Nicolas Cage's hair) and/or Ghost Rider. And if you'd like to see Nicolas Cage's hair early in its career, rent Peggy Sue Got Married when it's both blonde and styled in the man version of the bouffant. You can then wonder anew at its transition.
Babylon A.D. is the second film for your evening at home. Again, not a good or especially interesting film. Certainly not a coherent one. Vin Diesel looks old and surprisingly haggard. And again, these are all beside the point. Rent it for Gerard Depardieu's fake nose. It is a thing to behold, even if it has a small part in the film. As I had the supreme pleasure to see both these film back-to-back (it's best not to dwell on the fact that I actually paid to see them in the theater--I certainly prefer not to), there was a point where I thought that Cage's hair and Depardieu's nose could perhaps team up and get the same agent, and eventually go on to appear in films where they would have initial success, but eventually the roles would stop coming, and ultimately they take their act on the road. Touring small towns of course. I'd suggest that Gerard Depardieu's dubbed voice also join the duo and make it a trio, but I can foresee entirely too much squabbling.
For my final piece of advice, I'd urge you to watch these films during an evening when you know you can take much of the next day to recover from the experience.
